Thursday, March 30, 2017

I know but do I?

Taking a little break from work......

Wow, it's been a WHILE since I last posted. And reading my old posts makes me laugh -- so there WAS a time I was comfortable and happy where I was. Now in retrospect, I can't imagine how. It all boils down to career, doesn't it? You've got to make some harsh choices and stick it out for your career's sake. How much we put our lives, self respect and peace of mind through, just so we can make the right decisions and show to the world that we're good, we're doing well... we've got this. But then, when you brush away the negative thoughts that start welling up, you realise that what's left behind are lessons. Your interactions, relationships, learnings all teach you how not to be. And how to start afresh.

So here I am, in a new place, with a new set up and role. It's actually a new world. Do I like it? Do I love it? Do I see myself here for long? I know, but I cannot say. Because over time, accepting happiness comes with a fear -- you're always worried about its longevity. It's like a precious thing you don't want to touch, talk about or even acknowledge. You just want to experience it, silently.

Experiences....that too has been a major part of my life in 2016. I lost two very important relationships. I wouldn't want to comment on why -- I mean, why do things end? Why do we drift apart? Why do we become strangers? There are so many discussions/debates/accusations surrounding it. Who can truly pin point a reason? Who can take responsibility? I could for a while, now I feel I cannot. Maybe it was just meant to be. It's hurtful because it never began with resentment; just disappointment. It isn't easy to let go and to pacify yourself that it's for the best. Especially when you know the feelings aren't mutual -- never at a point are two clashing people on the same page. My mom always tells me - forgive and forget.  If it was a course, I'd probably study it.

What is forgiving anyway? I mean, who am I to forgive? It's all a will -- who you'd want to be with, and who you wouldn't. Over time, that's all that matters, isn't it?

It's a shame -- the past is always glorious and one always hopes you carry forward the same experiences and make them better. But then comes a bump in the road and well, everything changes.

I lot has been written about me on blogs, articles and social media. Many-a-times I've wanted to react, but didn't. Why? Because it's exhausting and pointless -- it's not going to get me anything. It doesn't have the power to mend.

It's quite strange -- living in a world of friends and family where some turn strangers. You can take much of the blame, but not entirely. So you're stuck, in a forever limbo.

It's hard adulting, man -- there are multiple relations you need to keep, many you need to let go of, many hard decisions you need to make and most importantly, learn to be self-sufficient and emotionally independent. They say happiness comes from within -- they never tell you how to find it, because within is a fucking maze!

There's music though, that promises to hold your hand. And so, I listen to stay my work website, refresh and start writing again.

No comments: