Bombay is Bombay is Bombay

Its been two months of pleasant surprises and "huh? What did you just say?" here in my Bombay office. I like working with these people, but there's no denying it—they're also a little strange. I'm going to list the strange quirks and typical responses that I come across on a daily basis here:

1. Be rude. It is the medium of communication; it is healthy. Saying things like, "Aaye kya time waste karta hai rey bhondu" to even a 70 year old is normal. These phrases and tones cut across all age and designation hierarchies. If you don't speak like you are the king of the world, you are immediately made to feel like an outsider.

I now regularly make my boss wait when she calls out to me. I still haven't gotten around to using the usual phrase thrown at the boss- "Ayee kya hai..! tu ruk na!" But......I'm getting there.

2. Talking about standard phrases reminds me of another thing.The usage of the word "tu". You become a "tu" in the first meeting in Bombay. In Delhi, 99% people spend their entire lives trying to build a "tu" relationship with people and mostly fail. 99.9% people in Delhi are referred to as "aap". Also, 'yes' is "haanji" or "haan" in Delhi. 'Yes' in Bombay is a grunt.

3. While we speak of speech, let's also discuss the condition of Hindi here. Speaking in (what I assume is regular) Hindi immediately makes you an outsider. I have been working on deteriorating my Hindi for the past two months just so I can fit in. Its hard work..but I think I'm improving.

4. Accent. You've got to have an accent, my friend. English, Hindi, Marathi, Urdu, French. Everything needs to be spoken in an accent. What accent is this, you may ask? American? British? Russian? To that I would like to say....

I have no idea.

5. "Haan bollll naaaa!"

This is the first time I am talking to you, I just said hi. I was hoping we could have a pleasant conversation, maybe even become friends...is what you think. 

But the sudden snap makes you feel- Why are you making me feel like I've been pestering you for eternity? For every greeting you are presented with an impatient reply- "haan bol NA!"

Okay man! Relax.

6. Here I would like to take the opportunity to enlighten you about a beautiful, golden response which confuses me no end because I don't understand the attitude behind it. "Chalega."

Hi, can you send out that mail?
Chalega

Your report is pathetic. Rework it.
Chalega

Your dad just died. You need to cremate him.
Chalega

Can you jump out of the window?
Haan chalega

Our Delhi moms often would insert this phrase during their loud, hollering sessions which went something like "I am sick of your chalega attitude in life!!"

Here "chalega" definitely has more respect. I recently heard my company's MD say "chalega." They use it like it's a free country. Disturbing.

7. Vada pav. This is actually a delicacy. It is consumed during meals, in between meals, when hungry, when not. It can be consumed by a Bombay-ite at any time of the day; sometimes even while sleeping. An average Bombay person's dream consists of many random images with a vada pav in the background. There is a separate category of beggars who beg for ONLY vada pavs. There are vada pav vending machines here. Everyone likes vada pav. Everyone is a vada pav.

Bombay is a funny place...its unique. But very charming. It's a free city; only a fool would hate it. You may wear what you want, say what you feel, do what you wish and enjoy the revelry around ....there's something here for everyone! For the uninitiated, I love Bombay. I really do.