Thursday, March 30, 2017

I know but do I?

Taking a little break from work......

Wow, it's been a WHILE since I last posted. And reading my old posts makes me laugh -- so there WAS a time I was comfortable and happy where I was. Now in retrospect, I can't imagine how. It all boils down to career, doesn't it? You've got to make some harsh choices and stick it out for your career's sake. How much we put our lives, self respect and peace of mind through, just so we can make the right decisions and show to the world that we're good, we're doing well... we've got this. But then, when you brush away the negative thoughts that start welling up, you realise that what's left behind are lessons. Your interactions, relationships, learnings all teach you how not to be. And how to start afresh.

So here I am, in a new place, with a new set up and role. It's actually a new world. Do I like it? Do I love it? Do I see myself here for long? I know, but I cannot say. Because over time, accepting happiness comes with a fear -- you're always worried about its longevity. It's like a precious thing you don't want to touch, talk about or even acknowledge. You just want to experience it, silently.

Experiences....that too has been a major part of my life in 2016. I lost two very important relationships. I wouldn't want to comment on why -- I mean, why do things end? Why do we drift apart? Why do we become strangers? There are so many discussions/debates/accusations surrounding it. Who can truly pin point a reason? Who can take responsibility? I could for a while, now I feel I cannot. Maybe it was just meant to be. It's hurtful because it never began with resentment; just disappointment. It isn't easy to let go and to pacify yourself that it's for the best. Especially when you know the feelings aren't mutual -- never at a point are two clashing people on the same page. My mom always tells me - forgive and forget.  If it was a course, I'd probably study it.

What is forgiving anyway? I mean, who am I to forgive? It's all a will -- who you'd want to be with, and who you wouldn't. Over time, that's all that matters, isn't it?

It's a shame -- the past is always glorious and one always hopes you carry forward the same experiences and make them better. But then comes a bump in the road and well, everything changes.

I lot has been written about me on blogs, articles and social media. Many-a-times I've wanted to react, but didn't. Why? Because it's exhausting and pointless -- it's not going to get me anything. It doesn't have the power to mend.

It's quite strange -- living in a world of friends and family where some turn strangers. You can take much of the blame, but not entirely. So you're stuck, in a forever limbo.

It's hard adulting, man -- there are multiple relations you need to keep, many you need to let go of, many hard decisions you need to make and most importantly, learn to be self-sufficient and emotionally independent. They say happiness comes from within -- they never tell you how to find it, because within is a fucking maze!

There's music though, that promises to hold your hand. And so, I listen to stay my work website, refresh and start writing again.

Monday, January 18, 2016


Don't know if I'm in a position to say this already I am again, ready to move on from what I am currently doing. I think I have an interest span of a....actually I want to say fly but I think I have a better name...Spock. I'm already restless, (I wouldn't say bored) but I'm ready to take the next jump....jee haan.

Not that this place isn't good. It's FAB. There's no other word for it. It IS fab. But I've tasted fab. Just one little thing is left here that I need to accomplish, post that, I think I'll officially be ready to say bye bye. I look around me and my jaw drops - 20 years....25 years people spend in the same office....same desk....same space....with the same people. I wonder HOW. How can one be so deeply committed to doing the same thing every single day, in and out. I don't know if I am in awe of you or I am disappointed in you. That's one thing I don't think I will ever be accomplished enough to do -- to stay in the same work place, all my life. Unless if it's my own creation...then we'll think about it.

Friday, December 04, 2015

Shooting and all that

Ohh man. I have nothing to do. Out of these four hours, I practically have just one hour of work...

Thats me during all ID Satellite 2016 shoots. I've been pushed into this crew of 12 people, representing the "editorial" team. I am supposed to interview these big wigs. No, I'm not going to be in the video. I'm only supposed to ask; and get zero credit for it. :p

We went to Sri Lanka a few days back. I saw BLUE whales. It was an experience I cannot describe in words. In the middle of the sea, sitting quietly behind waves was our boat and an incoming whale. It was scary, exhilarating and also humbling. In the sea, we are nothing...just little preys for the giant predators and pests for those who rule the ocean.

I met a bunch of baby sea turtles. I wanted to kidnap those little squishies. But I wasn't allowed. That made me sad and them very happy.

After being in this industry for almost 5 years.....theres a constant nagging feeling I feel at the back of my mind -- do I want to continue like this? Do I want to base the next few years climbing up the designation /package ladder? Do I want to represent a brand all my life? Will I ever find stability in any one job? And most importantly, will I ever be truly happy at work? I don't really know. I always knew I wanted to work for me. But I never knew how. I still have a hazy idea about it...but I'm still looking for clarity.

Aaaanyway, my name is finally blasting through the loudspeaker here. I'm up.
More later.

Friday, November 13, 2015

Year end

The movie got a great response...ReDraft. When we screened it at The Hive, people had a lot to say....good stuff mostly. After our presentation, someone asked me, "How did you manage all this between work?" By mostly cribbing and hating my hectic life, I thought. But seriously, shooting in 2 days flat with just maybe 2 hours sleep. I had many reservations with the outcome....but that's because I expected a masterpiece. But as long as the audience liked it, I'm happy.

I met a bunch of artists from around the globe, in Udaipur. I loved the fat-Punjabi-uncle-like American artist -- he was louder than any Indian I've ever met. And the constantly stoned 60 yr old Bong lady, and my love-- the dude whose name I forget but was from Morocco and had the face of a prince. Sigh, he was so lovely. He didn't understand a word of English but that's OK because he smiled a lot. 

My spoilt brat is turning 1 next week. I'm going to get him a doggy cake and I'm going to watch him run around the house like a mad fuck. Something that he usually does anyway but on 20th, it will be acceptable.

This year is coming to an end...and when I look back, there’s just SO much that's happened that I can barely believe it. So much I've experienced, so much I've received, so much I've given up. But I have no regrets, but lots of learning's. There were some harsh choices I had to make and some harsh choices there were forced on me. But now, in retrospect, it was all for my own good. December, however, I hope ends on a uneventful note; I've already had my fair share of drama!

Saturday, October 03, 2015

Haters gonna hate

Yes, they're gonna 

Friday, September 25, 2015

Look what we have here

I have a pretty desk, a huge board, a free brightly coloured water bottle and an apple desktop. I have a free cushion for my chair. I have free art to put up on my board. I also have a smile on my face right now.

I am liking this...all of this. Everyone is between early to mid 20s. Yes, all girls. But thats just a jinx I have to live with now, probably my whole professional life. Anyway, they're sweet. There's a sweet office boy who fills our water bottles, washes our dabbas and coffee mugs on his own. Without us asking him to do so. Without us realising what he just did. He's the best. He's the sunshine of our office. But yes, no one can beat Prem bhaiya from Toi. That guy who was 4 feet, stone faced, who muttered when spoken to and got extremely awkward every time I told him that he's the best. But yes, babu is nice too.

What's also nice is that 7 pm we are practically hurled out of the office. The lights and computers shut at 7. The water supply is cut off at 7. The manager and HR glare at us post 7. The watchman scolds us if we walk out post 7. Yes, nobody likes us to work late. And that makes me like them back.

I get free WiFi for my phone. I'm getting used to a Mac. I like InDesign already.

I also currently head a battalion of rowdy/sweet/shy/loud boys. Over time, new friendships have happened. The letting go of old sores is happening ; repressed memory is creating more space.

My venture drives me mad. But induces more passion in me. I love it but it's always hard on me. Sometimes I control it but most of the times it controls me.

Spock loves embarrassing me; thats the mission of his life. He pees on strangers and he sometimes shits at home. He sleeps next to me and at some point at night, uses me as a bed. A 20 kg hulk is not as easy weight to bear. But I love him to bits. He's nothing like bufy though. Buffy wanted his space; this guy can't handle space.

I have a feeling this November is going to be good. A few months back I was convinced otherwise. But it will be good. I can feel it.

As superstitious as I have become now. At the end of this post I'm going to say touch wood. And then I'm going to abruptly end this post. 

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

What's going on

Topsy turvy life.

Old is fading, new is over bearing. Two lessons I've learnt-- nothing lasts forever.


It's tough being a parent.